muddy instead of clear

I have a summer cold. Having a summer cold is like getting punished for something you did not do. All the pain, with no justification for its purpose.

Our kids are gone, save Lucy, but there is so much in the way of housework to be done right now that I'm not enjoying the freedom afforded by full day school. I hope by next week the message center and library are all organized, the laundry caught up and the pile of clothes for donation or hand-me-down boxes gone through and placed properly.

I ran a half marathon two weeks ago, in beautiful Provo canyon. With Jeni. It was great fun! Somehow I hurt my foot, so I've hardly exercised since then. Hardly exercising is not good for my mental health. I'm starting to feel really down. Now the foot is feeling much better, but the head is full of congestion and the body is simply exhausted-I hope the foot fully healed and the nasal passages fully cleared happens soon...real soon, so I can get back to feeling like an emotionally balanced individual.

I went to the dentist, so he could fix a chipped tooth. He did his best, but seems to have made things worse instead of better. More dental work is in my immediate future. In the meantime I chew on only one side of my mouth so as to avoid lighting from striking up the other side of my face.

Have you ever noticed that sometimes things just don't go right? All at once the check book is out of balance, a head cold, hurt foot, sore tooth, empty nest...the stars just mis-align and life seems muddy instead of clear.

It has caused me to remember this great advice, and to try and let the universe come back into clarity as I go about the business of knowing things will be better soon, if I am patient.

Molly's birthday re-cap

Madi organized a wonderful treasure hunt for Molly to find her birthday treasure

A new bike, with working tires and sparkling handlebar streamers is Molly's initiation into being 'big'

Molly's birthday party was weeks after her birthday, so we celebrated on the day with a special lunch, enjoying chocolate fondu for birthday dessert! Molly requested marshmallows and long pretzels for dipping...

birthday lunch of macaroni and cheese and garden grown green beans. Flowers for the table compliments of our back yard.

Molly was a joy on her birthday, all day long

It is always fun to celebrate a birthday in our family. This year, Molly had two celebrations; one on her special day, and a party a couple of weeks after. Birthday morning was met with a scavenger hunt/treasure hunt organized by Madi which led Molly through the house and right to her very own new bike!

Then it was off to swimming lessons and back home for a special birthday lunch with a decorated table, chocolate fondu for dessert and candles to wish on.

Molly is such a bundle of life. Challenging and wonderful. I hope on her birthday she felt loved loved loved!

Robbed of Summer

no pictures.

I'll start blogging regularly beginning this week because, well...

School started.

Like a thief, taking away the last two weeks of hot swim worthy summer.

taking my children away from late mornings, and late nights, and games of capture the flag or red light green light with the neighbor kids.

taking my long bike rides and my daily outdoor swim work outs while my kids learned the back stroke and the breast stroke yards away from me in the pool.

I've silently fought to preserve the last of our days without carpools, schedules and homework. But today they were back in classrooms. Listening to someone else teach them.

someone that wasn't me.

I love my children's education; I like a traditional school with its micro society and all our kids learn about the big world by walking down the street together in the mornings and taking care of one another on the long walk home after the last bell has rung.

But I feel like this year my time was taken from me. I was just getting warmed up. Just beginning to love summer with big kids and little kids. Just getting good at it. Just starting to have fun in the place where we are as a family and the place where I am as a mom-

so, welcome school year, I guess. You aren't going away, so I'm reconciled to embrace you. But I wish you'd given me just a couple more weeks to hug my kids and let them eat Popsicles after dinner.

look for some review of our last fun weeks, and a commentary or two on John and Mason's European camping trip. I have some things to say about teaching our children how to work and helping them become useful, happy adults. I'm back. Just like school, like it or not :)

Far and Away

Pioneer Trek: 3 days, 1 camera, 10,000 photos taken by John alone.

Week long Trip to China for Work; first time to China. Two weeks after Trek

9 boys and my John as their fearless leader: 15 days camping in Scandinavia, 2 weeks after China

and now, two nights spent in Arkansas....

This time of year I think quite often of a question I dreaded when I was a kid going back to school in the fall. "What did you do this summer?" Growing up it was very rare that our family took a trip together. The closest thing to a summer vacation was the week each year we spent in Park City Utah (which is one of my favorite memories of growing up, no complaints mind you...). Many of my classmates had stories of beaches or forests, trips to big cities or to far off lands.

If only John got to answer that question next week in front of a class...the stories he could tell!

This summer has been full of experiences for John. Not things he conjured up for himself, mind you-but opportunities and responsibilities handed him that have been remarkable in many ways. Days spent trekking with the youth of our area were filled with fun and service. Days spent in China and Hong Kong were enlightening and rewarding. Days spent in Scandinavia with Mason and 'the crew' were life changing and joy-filled.

I"m so happy John has had this summer. These experiences, this travel. I'm glad for what he is becoming because of the things he has seen, heard, and felt. I'm happy for all it is making him.

and I miss him.

Sleep well tonight John, in your hotel room far away. I'll keep our bed warm and dream of you with me. But be amazing while you are away. Make the experiences count and be your best in all you do. You are becoming so much so quickly. I'm so lucky to be the one who keeps the home fires burning while you are far and away.

Authentic Me: Forty

Our next door neighbors surprised me with a birthday cake after the kids enjoyed 'night games' on our street. One of the sweetest moments of the day was having my children and all their neighborhood friends sing/yell 'happy birthday' to me and help me blow out candles.

Long time friend DeAnne took my girls and me to tea; it was So FUN to spend time with this dear friend eating shepherd's pie and drinking peppermint tea. I'd love to return again and again to the tea house to sit on the fluffy pillows and listen to D, she is an amazing person with great insight and inspiration!

a smattering of the flowers that were hand delivered by John's assistant, Malia, to the swimming pool where my children were having their swimming lessons. Her surprise visit was accompanied by this little book-which held an even bigger surprise from John to me on my birthday...

what you can't see:
A morning breakfast with my mom and sisters
My daddy running swim team and football carpool so I could be at breakfast
A lovely lunch date with my running partner Jeni
phone calls from friends in Sweden and Idaho
Sweet Text messages from my husband in far away Sweden
hugs from my kids
notes and gifts left on my front porch

It happened. I turned 40. The day I had dreaded came and went. And the day was a wonderful surprise for me in many ways. I felt so remembered. I felt loved. I felt calm. I felt I could face the realities of 'maturing' and the prospect of making life better through the decade that is in front of me. I shed tears of tender gratitude as I prayed at the end of the day. I'm thankful for the blessings that make up my life.

It is a very good life. Full of 40 blessed years...

John completely shocked and surprised me in every way this birthday. He had taken me to breakfast the morning of his departure and given me a little blue box. Tiny diamond studs have stayed in my ears and will remain until he gets home! Then, on birthday morning, his amazing and capable (and beautiful inside and out) assistant, Malia, found me and delivered beautiful flowers with a little book to go with them. The book read like a story, with a very happy ending. John has booked an exciting adventure for the two of us to share later in October. Babysitters are even arranged! A vacation. An experience. A getaway with my beloved. There is no better birthday gift than time spent alone with John.

So, my authentic self is no longer in her 30's. She is learning to look forward and see the prospect of things to come. Thanks to all who remembered me on this very special day-my friends and family are the reason I have to rejoice and be grateful this birthday!

Molly is 7 Today

Molly woke up this morning to the serenade of "Happy Birthday". A long wished for pillow pet was wrapped in a box with a single clue around it's dolphin neck...one clue led to another until at last a new pink bicycle, one without training wheels, was revealed.

Lunch? Macaroni and Cheese followed by chocolate fondu featuring marshmallows for dipping

It's Molly's day all day long. And next week, when daddy is home, we will enjoy a swim party (with crafts as per Molly's wishes) with new school friends and neighborhood friends too.

Molly, we love you so much!

Happy Birthday to You!

One Week down, One to go

These handsome boys and their handsome leader just before takeoff

We've been hearing a bit from Sweden this week. The two men from our family are having an amazing experience camping with 40,000 others in the rain in the south of a land we love very much.

They are camping next to the Egyptians and across from the Danes and the Dutch. Several of the boys from our group have learned that the boys (and girls!) from other countries had to work very hard for the opportunity to attend this big event; they wrote essays and showed that they were bilingual. They worked to earn the cost of the trip. They sacrificed to be there.

Our boys were selected to attend by our local church leaders. They raised funds to attend and they were given lots of training and expected to give their time to go to meetings. A pretty small sacrifice when compared to others-hopefully that will sink in and the boys will really appreciate the opportunity they are living over the coming week.

The photos coming back are full of smiling boys, with thumbs up signs or hang ten hands. They look happy, if dirty and rained on, and they look like they belong together.

Like they are friends.

When we left Texas the only things I wanted for Mason were some friends who would help him make good decisions and help him feel comfortable in his own skin. The other of my children would easily find their way, but friends haven't come easily for Mason unless those friends are the same age as his parents-his peers were a feared entity. All the moving, all the trying, all the quirks that make Mason awesome and unique made him feel less than 'part' of his peer group.

I hope Sweden is changing that. For the better.

In the coming week we'll have more pictures to see and a few more emails to read from my boys describing the amazing things they are seeing and doing and the amazing people they are meeting. And I hope I'll see in those photos and soundbites the sure signs of friendships forged. Its all I want for Mason, thank Heaven for his trip to Sweden!

How Do You Spend Sundays?

we each had an 'arm band' which got us admission into the game-filled basement

I brought this game home from New York for the kids. It is super fun to play as a family

Porter is showing us 'airplane' but he looked more like 'Eagle'

Cruise director Bryn guides the kids through charades, and takes our family through a fun evening full of games and being together

Our Sunday mantra goes like this;
"Use the Sabbath to worship the Lord, attend church, draw closer to your family, and help others. Do not seek entertainment or spend money on the Sabbath. When possible, avoid working on Sunday."
from 'For the Strength of Youth' wallet card

in other words ;
"Keep the Sabbath Day Holy"
from 'The Ten Commandments' in the Old Testament

often on Sundays we are happily occupied with our extended family
and sometimes we have obligations because of our church service

but some Sundays we are home together, and that is kind of our favorite

This Sunday was one of those Sundays. And Brynley made the most of it.
She and her younger sisters and brother created a 'family game night'
while Madi made browines from scratch
We went from station to station playing board games, charades, a card game and even the Wii.
And, of course, eating yummy brownies (with Ice Cream, of course)

It was awesome.
We loved being together in the cool basement
Bryn was proud of her efforts
Madi was proud of her brownies
and they should be

Sometimes it is so rewarding to raise a large family
sitting in a circle playing 'BS' is one of those times

I'm thankful for Sundays spent this way
As a Family

Finding the Higher Self...

How I can be when I seek my higher self...

The summer is half way over, and some parts about it have my nerves pushed over the edge. Particularly the part where the kids tell me they have finished their jobs when in fact they are not finished. And the part where they just avoid the job doing so long that other (FUNNER!) things are not accomplished instead.

I boiled over today.

I had planned to stay at the our gym's outdoor swimming pool far beyond the girls' morning lesson. I had planned to buy lunch for them (greasy summer corndogs) at the pool's concession stand, and to deliver them to the gym's 'play place' so I could attend a lunch hour yoga class.

All they had to do was the morning check list. They had until 10 a.m.

Needless to say, 10 a.m. came, and they had not finished the work. By 10:15 I was a screaming mess, shoving them into the car so as not to miss the bulk of the lesson. Reaching the pool beyond the start time, and leaving right after the finish. No fun lunch. No time in the sun.

I was done. Mad. ANGRY that my summer plans are again and again completely foiled by my children's inaction. Molly is the worst. She has not concept of time, it passes by her faster than a bullet train as she moves as slow as a snail. She does not care about consequences, happy ones or sad ones. She is usually the straw that breaks my back.

I yelled at her, with an angry face. She looked frightened, I looked ugly. I left to get a grip.
A time out for mom, to yoga class.

The older ones in charge at home, I blazed back down to the gym, seeking a chance to regain composure, perspective and the feeling of 'center' that can come when we realign ourselves to what we know is right.

At the conclusion of the class, the teacher (in her yoga-speak) encouraged us to 'seek our higher selves' for the rest of the day. I lay on my yoga mat, eyes closed, and heard her words sink down into my core.

My higher self.

I do have one of those.

I believe we all have a 'higher self'. An inner divine nature that is capable of great things like patience, forgiveness, peacemaking. A spiritual core within us.

That core must fight our lesser qualities; Our baseness, our selfishness, our jealous angry human qualities. Those are the things that scream louder for our attention and are more easily accessed when life is hard. The Overcoming of these things is called many things. My favorite term is mastery; self mastery.

Clearly today I was not master of my lesser self.

I'm so grateful there is one true Master. That when I become base, less, if I ask Him, He can forgive me and help me be more. He can lift me to my higher self. And He can do it again and again and again until I become master of me. My Higher self. Closer to Him and more able to do His will and His work with my children and in my life.

Oh What Do You Do in the Summertime? Part 4

A Wedding!Jess' amazing floral talents were fully realized on her Wedding day. The flowers were EXQUISITE! And she did them herself. Very "from the garden", using lambs ear, peony leaves and even, dare I say it? Carnations. All of it came together wrapped in string and yarn and ripped fabric. It was an amazing end result. Every bouquet and every table setting were absolutely beautiful

My job was to execute Jess' creative ideas for her dessert table. It was fun to try and put together what was in Jess' mind and on the beautiful magazine layouts she had saved which gave all the inspiration.

Father of the Bride (and my Daddy) was the coolest guy out on the dance floor, and he had the prettiest dance partners too! His wife (mom), the bride, and all of his daughters, not to mention his sisters and granddaughters...daddy's always known how to dance-it was fun cutting a rug with him

Brother and Sister-in-Law Ty and Katie cuddling as the sun goes down

She made a beautiful bride. Vintage lace dress, grandma's gold watch, a hankie tucked just right and peep toe wedges. So Jess. So beautiful

Jess and Matt married last week and celebrated with a lovely back yard celebration. Not a reception. A garden party. Cafe lights, white table clothes and beautiful flowers paired with a hand made dance floor (crafted by the groom) and home made desserts (brought by family and friends) set the scene. The bride and groom rode their bikes from the ceremony to the wedding dinner, and left the party after dark to ride down to their wedding night hotel. Matt in his grandfather's fidora and Jess in vintage lace, they were very careful to create memories that will last a lifetime for them.

As a family we were happy to help in every way so the day could be exactly what they hoped for. The last wedding my parents will see until their grandchildren say 'I do' , I think there was a sense that this was the end of an era. My parents handled the entire affair with generosity and joy.

My favorite part of the evening was dancing with my dad, and calling John down from his photo taking perch on the balcony to hold me close under the lights. There is nothing more romantic than cafe lights on a summer night, don't you think?

Congratulations to the happy couple. We all wish you the greatest joy as you look to a hopeful future!

Oh What Do You Do in the Summertime? Part 3

The man who walked the most miles, trying to capture for the kids their experiences through pictures

Mason's pride was the front of the cart. He loved leading his family forward, and feeling strong and helpful while doing it.

I was a lucky tag along. Taking pictures and cheering on those who were doing the really hard work. It was a great pleasure for me
to witness something so incredible as this Trek.

This summer, We TREK! John and I were lucky enough to be part of our Stake Pioneer Trek June 29-July2. Mason was lucky to be old enough to be part of the whole experience too. Days without showering, soaked through clothes and shoes (RAIN!) and lots of dust in our teeth was a small price to pay for the overwhelmingly amazing experience of being part of this incredible effort.

Over 200 adults took 4 days from their lives to provide a unique wilderness experience for 250 kids age 14-18. The kids were placed in 'families' with a 'ma and pa' (a married couple) to lead them. They hauled all their gear in a real live hand cart across a thousand acres of pasture. We saw no sign of 'civilization' for days, only the expanse of rolling hills and the crystal blue sky. The kids proved to themselves that they could do something difficult. And they learned again how to get along without cel phones or ipods. They played fun 'old fashioned' games like 'Tag' and 'Ninja' and they had a blast without remote controls or facebook pages.

They were also introduced to the idea of rescuing. Stories were told of handcart pioneers who were caught in early snows and who began to whither in their journey west. Many even perished. But a prophet sent men to rescue, to save those who were weak and wandering, and to bring them to a valley where they would be cared for and brought back from the promise of a frozen grave.

We have a prophet today; and he invites us all to rescue. To look out for the widow, the one who is lonely. The person who has little or the one who has wandered and whose heart has grown cold as stone. These kids, the ones pulling the handcarts? They (and all of the adults who walked with them) -and you too- are invited to become rescuers. Not from the frozen planes, but from a life of chilling emptiness.

I hope I can be a rescuer. I hope I can remember the strength in their souls when I meet a stranger in need, or when I think of a neighbor who could use my help. The example of those strong kids (my own son included) who committed themselves to helping and rescuing souls through the refinement of hard work and hand cart pushing will be in my mind when my turn to rescue has come.

Oh What Do You Do in the Summertime? Part 2

my worst triathlon ever. I mean EVER. But I did it, I guess that is something to smile about...

summer has been 'my season' to train for races and enjoy the motivation to improve my fitness. This summer has been a huge challenge-I thought it would be my best season ever, but it has started out as my worst.

In the spring I took a 6 week triathlon training camp offered at our local rec center. It was a challenge to get out of bed with time enough to be dressed and on a spin bike by 5 a.m.-the weather was a challenge for both run and swim training. But over all the experience was great.

Then I got sick. Real sick. And the camp ended with a week of recovery time before the camp's race day.

I spent the week coughing, blowing my nose until my sinuses bled and generally feeling like a zombie. Add to this the stress of getting through the last two weeks of school. The training took a way back seat.

I raced so poorly that day. Hadn't even been on my bike outside when I transitioned from the pool to the road. My run was slow, and I was embarrassed that I-who had stayed with the top 1/3rd of the camp during the training fell into nearly the last place on race day.

Embarrassing.

I'm supposed to enter 2 more triathlons this season. Needless to say I haven't. I'm hoping I'll be ready for at least one of them, but for now I'm just going to try and stay healthy, work on improving my swim and bike skills, and get ready for a half marathon I promised I'd finish with my neighbor. When I've accomplished that task we'll see if this summer will include any more swim/bike/run races or if I've retired for the season.

Oh What Do You Do In the Summertime? Part 1

Neighbor and good buddy Kelly was our tie-die master. She let us use her die, her driveway, and her expertise so we could have these fun T-shirts!

This year we enjoyed a pretty fun cousin camp, complete with t-shirt day (tie die), Game day at the park, A Hike and a Bar B Que. We were lucky to have all the cousins together (cousins Will and Andrew were here from Newport Beach. Miss you guys already!). The activities were simple this year, but like always they were fun. This is our 10th year of cousin camp. I hope we enjoy 10 more years of summer fun with our cousins!

Content

family gathers around the biggest round teak table I could find. This year we are using it every night it doesn't rain or snow!

kids laugh and giggle on the back yard trampoline

Madi did a great job compiling our garden grown centerpiece

flashback: I'm sitting at my work table in the upstairs master bedroom of our Boise home. The sun is beautiful through my windows (I LOVED the light in that house). The windows are open, frangrence from the roses in our garden floating in along with the sound of my children playing with John. I was right in the groove of a project; you know that place when you've finally warmed up to what you are doing and things are humming along nicely (I've heard it called 'flow' and it is a rare experience in my stop-and-start-life). As I hear my kids laughing, I feel the warmth of the sunlight on my back. I look up from my work to see my hero husband kicking the soccer ball with his children.

I feel in that moment a complete sense of contentment.

Its another one of those memories that I welcome every time in crosses my psyche. I linger in the memory. I love that memory, that feeling that all we had in that moment was good, and it was enough.

On Friday we pulled together a pretty impressive impromptu bbq for cousins and the like. It was the close of 'cousin camp' (more on that tomorrow). My parents, sisters, even sister in law Katie and her two California boys were in and out of the house. We had plenty of yummy food. The older boys helped organize, they set up extra tables and did whatever needed doing to make the meal happen. Flowers from our blooming garden were cut to make an outdoor table centerpiece.

Dinner was almost over, after lovely conversation around the table. I went in to get something. I came outside again. As I walked across the yard, a wonderful welcome feeling came over me. A feeling from my memories.

I felt content, completely.

It brought me to tears.

Its not that I haven't felt content ever since we left our Boise home. Its just that the sense of 'enough-ness' is one that I really want to have with me ALL the time. I think it is human nature to see what it is we lack, or to wish for things we want. But I think I have an acute sense of what my life is not, instead of all that it is. So in my prayers and strivings I am trying to improve my perspective, to see all that is in front of me, instead of the one or two things eluding me.

So my gratitude that my soul could come forward and show me that all that we have can bring such a centered feeling of contentedness just caused a tear to fall.

I'm so grateful for the moment in the yard on Friday night; and for all that surrounded it to make it move forward to its rightful place before me; good family, a loving spouse, a home that can welcome loved ones and guest, the beauty of the garden, the satisfaction of a delicious simple meal. The realization that these kinds of things are the treasures this life has to offer. The treasures that bring us that memorable, wonderful, welcome, peaceful feeling that we are content.

On Airplanes and Altars

in Old Town Stockholm, sometime close to Christmas 2000

enjoying Swedish summer, out on a tiny island, with friends and my sister, summer 2001.

Midsummer in the country. Summer 2001

Mason explores our 'garden'. Spring 2001

Madi and I Outside our Chapel in Tabby; Autumn 2000.

In August 2000 my life changed forever. We moved abroad. John had an assignment for 12-18 months in Stockholm Sweden. We left our first Texas home. I was scared.

And I was excited.

We traveled with 3 small children. We brought my sister to help us handle roudy kids or insolent travelers who couldn't handle our roudy kids. We got to Sweden. Everything was beautiful.
And inventive.
And timeless.
And ingenious.
And European.
And amazing.

I loved all of it. I loved our house that looked like a barn and had (I've always wanted one since) a WHITE kitchen. I loved our Pram, which came with a cool 'kid board' so not only could my little girls ride, but my 'big boy' too. I loved our British School. I loved the chocolate and I loved the trains. I loved being a grown up, doing things I'd never done before and learning that ;
1. The world is HUGE
2. The people in it are INCREDIBLE
3. I could love another people and culture as much as I loved my own.

I especially loved the people.
I learned from them. I tried to learn their language. They were so good to me, to let me try even though I massacred the accent and mumbled because Swedish words came out in Spanish most of the time.

The women in my church group, the Relief Society Sisters, they were my dearest friends and my closest allies. They helped me navigate the road ways and the train stations. They helped me learn how to cook without cream of mushroom soup (!). They taught me how to make Swedish buns and they loved me. They loved me and I loved them more right back.

Our time ended. We came home. I have always wanted to return. When memories of Sweden come to my mind I stop what I'm doing and close my eyes. I welcome those thoughts. I invite them. I remember the time when I was part of the greatness of the world and it was good to me.

This year John was invited to go back to Sweden. He will lead a 'crew' of 8 boys (one of whom is Mason) to Rinkaby Sweden for an International Venture Scout Jamboree. When we were asked if he could go there was no hesitation. Our son would be included. They could return to our 'second home' and enjoy it and remember, and learn new things and have new experiences which will make Sweden mean more to them than ever.

And I will stay at home.

The night the invitation came for John to lead this group, I entered my room alone. I cried out of jealousy. I didn't really want to lead the boys myself. But how I wanted to go back. I knelt and asked if I could be helped to make this a generous offering. To put the good of my spouse before my own desires. To place the value of time spent with father and son ahead of a selfish longing to see the tiny islands that make up the coastline of a country I love.

I want to make this offering. A willingness to set aside my longing to have an experience for myself and give that instead to my son and my husband. To set my selfish desires on an altar and give them up in the name of sacrifice and selflessness.

There is a story in the bible about a wealthy happy man who followed Christ and wanted to 'enter the kingdom' and be a true disciple. He approached the Lord and asked what was needed in order for him to be worthy. The first answer from the Savior was to love God and follow after His son, and to keep all of their commandments. The eager follower promised that he would do these things. Then the the greater challenge was given; give all that you have away, your possessions and your wealth, and leave those things to follow wherever Christ would lead.

The man went away, sorrowing. And kept his comforts, his goods and his wealth. He didn't have the faith to believe that by giving it all he would find himself and his joy would be made full. It was the hardest sacrifice that could be asked of him-the one he needed to make the most.

I think I know how he feels. I bet he wanted to give all that away. I bet he wished he was stronger and more faith filled. I am sure even more that he wished he could keep them and still be counted with Christ. But he clung to those things instead, and didn't place them all on the altar.

At the end of July my boys will board the airplane bound for a place I long to go. And I hope that in the days when they are gone my time will be happy at home. Full of joy at the offering I've placed on the altar. Sometimes I feel that sorrowful, and I realize my pettiness and the truth that I keep 'wishing it was me' a little too close to my heart. But there is still time for me to prepare to give it all, and I believe in a God who is willing to accept my whole heart whenever I have the faith to place it all, on the altar.

Leaving Two Babies in Provo...

Mason is staying on the campus at BYU to attend Rugby camp this week.

Our newest nephew was born a couple of weeks ago in beautiful Provo Utah. We went down last weekend to meet him; absolutely perfect in every single way.

On Monday we found ourselves in Provo, dropping Mason at BYU so he could go to rugby camp.

Mason is my first baby. Our new nephew is the first baby in his family as well.

We made a little stop to see Lincoln Allen (awesome name, right?) after pushing Mason out of the car in front of Cougar Stadium. We held Lincoln and oohed and awed.

It made me think all the way home.

I don't know how to explain my thoughts, just something about me watching my first born grow up and seeing someone I love welcome their first born into the world. I push my boy out of the nest; encourage him to stay in the dorms away from home to help him grow. Lincoln's mom does just the opposite; she holds him close and keeps him near because she knows that is what she needs to do to help him grow too.

So many different parts of mothering. I am more comfortable with the first part; the part where we hold them and watch over their actions. The part where we train them and hover a bit.

This part? I'm not so sure about how I will get through it. This part includes sending them away, letting them try for themselves all the things I've shown and taught them, watching them stumble and pull themselves back up, hoping they'll try to keep themselves close-not just to you-but to the Heavenly Father you've been trying to point them toward since they were tiny and small.

Away She Goes...

ready for travel, Madi checks in at the airport

With her team mate and neighbor, these darling girls are ready for take off into the wild blue yonder

The winning team just after their title is awarded. The trophy is too big for the school's trophy case!

Last April Madi and three of her classmates wowed us all by winning the State's "Future Problem Solvers" Competition. This competition involves a scenario that is based on a general topic (this year's topic was 'water quality'). Teams take the scenario, broaden it by identifying 16 'problems' that need to be solved because of the scenario. Then 16 solutions to those problems are identified. Then the kids go from broad to NARROW, choosing ONE of those problem/solution pairs and going into great detail about both the problem and its solution. Then they present their findings.

Pretty smarty pants amazing, huh?

We were all surprised and delighted when this team of smart good kids took the championship. I was even MORE surprised to learn that with that winning placement came the responsibility to participate in the International competition, in June, in Wisconsin.

Plane rides, dorm accomadations, rented cars and chaperones. The non-parental kind of chaperone.

I FELT NERVOUS.

I considered going along. I asked the other mothers if they were going to go. Nope. Not going.

I asked Madi if she wanted me to go. Nope. Didn't want me.

She didn't want me to go...

I've always been determined to raise independent children. I want them to be able to think for themselves. To be able to solve their problems. To feel confident learning about themselves in new situations. To have confidence in travel.

I guess I've been successful.

The night before Madi left, I was with my sisters and parents. Longing to get home to my soon to be gone daughter, I excused myself and began to head home. A tear or two fell as I told my dad why I was leaving...

"Madi leaves tomorrow for her competition. She'll be traveling without me." (tear, tear, tear)
"She'll be fine Katie" said my loving Father.
"I know she will, but Daddy, she is only 11"!
"But, Katie, she's no ordinary 11 year old"

Dad is always so right.

Madi has been gone now for a couple of days. We don't get her home until Monday night. Each morning and night (and often during the day) I pray that Madi is having an amazing experience. That she is learning the rely on the things we have taught. That she feels the comfort of the Holy Ghost if any thoughts of home tug at her heartstrings. I don't care if she wins the competition. I only care that she - when she's back home with me - feels happy she went and she learned.

Porter's Splash Fest Birthday

ice cream cake, Porter's very favorite!

yummy picnic foods, hot dogs and orange slices...

little boys, water guns, sunshine; could it be more perfect?

Two token girls were invited to the party; neighbor Lily, and cousin Ella. They are tough enough to hang with the boys and keep our Porter in line :)

Porter wanted a water fight for his ninth birthday. We delivered it in the form of a splash party, lunch included. After hotdogs and other picnic foods the kids soaked one another (and ME!) with water guns, squirt bottles, water balloons (launchers included, those things are fun!) and the garden hose. Once the guests were fully drenched we served Ice Cream cake and sang Happy Birthday. The rest of the party was spent in the next door neighbor's swimming pool. It was a fun afternoon for a really fun little boy.

Porter is so endeared to me, because he still likes to hug me and wants me to be proud of him. The other day I discovered that in a moment of anger he had written (with SHARPIE marker) 'molly is stupid' on our driveway. I was upset, but, due to his attendance at basketball camp, had some time to think through my reaction. Porter came home. I was waiting in the driveway. I spoke quietly. I explained my shock and dismay at seeing such unkind words written about one of my children. Who would do such a thing? I asked. Porter began to cry. I began to cry. I told him that Molly is my daughter, and she didn't deserve to have words written forever about her that were unkind...

I had scrubbed and scrubbed the driveway to get those words off before my Molly had seen them. So Porter scrubbed and scrubbed the grill of the car to get the dead bugs off...tit for tat. In his tears and humiliation Porter felt remorse. He had made his mother cry, and he vowed never to do it again.

That's the kind of kid Porter is. And I love him, all of him.

Happy Birthday Porter!