Fits...

mid fit, Molly shakes herself back and forth as we drive home from the grocery store. She is MAD!

Sadly, some of every day is spent with our darling in tears...

This is how I live about 45 minutes of every single day...with Molly screaming and shaking. The scream is usually formed in the word "NO". The shaking can sometimes be accompanied with the throwing of objects and the squeezing of fists. Often we also have running away from parents, and occassionally we have the destruction of something; the cutting of a drape, the scratching of fingernails on the leather couch-you get the picture-

and the picture isn't pretty.

Molly is unique in that she still throws these fits and she is 6 years old. She is also unique in that these fits are rarely shared with friends or teachers.

They are her gifts to me, her mother.

For the longest time I just didn't understand why she would blow up about the most random things. Then I learned a bit about a child's attachment, how it is formed, and how it is strengthened. Sadly, for her first few months Molly was not a part of our family, she was not given good opportunity to feel attached to her parents. For whatever reason that most important bonding experience was not what it needed to be.

Enter us; the family who received her at only 5 months old. Though we have loved her as our own from the start, Molly spent years in our home without being 'official'. It was only a formality of course; we've loved her as a daughter and felt attached to her from moment number ONE. But these things are vital in the emotional growth of our souls, and some scars remain for our little brown eyed wonder to tend to and to heal.

Its only a part of the days that we see the 'dark side' of Molly come through. Most all the other minutes we see the truly happy, wonderful, smart, unique, special and secure angel that will someday feel whole and complete. She yells because something is missing; she isn't sure what it is, and she doesn't know how to fix it. It will fix over time, I know it. She feels loved and knows that she belongs. She wants to be a "good Graham" and loves to be in our family. Her prayers include words of "we thank thee that we have each other."

"We thank thee that we LOVE each other."

She hugs and she kisses. She cuddles and she's cute. She's just learning what her feelings are and how she needs to deal with them.

And I am learning myself. Step one is to teach that she is responsible for her choices. That her power comes from making good decisions-and that she has NO power over the consequences of her actions. She can't erase consequences, she can't wish them away, she can't scream them away and she can't hide from them. This is a daily, hourly, minute by minute lesson that Molly is learning well and working to understand completely.

Step two? It is for ME to not throw fits of my own. I've had to learn to actively behave in a calm manner. To state my love for Molly even in the process of her tantrums, and to carefully and quietly administer fair consequences that do not harm my precious girl, but which connect and are naturally related to the choices she makes.

Not throwing fits of my own is taking time for me to learn. I'd become used to being pushed to a point where I would react to her disruptions-sometimes I'd yell back, or try to reason, or become upset because her fits were inconvenient to my schedule. But I am learning, and though it is hard I can feel an inner strength coming that I am very grateful for. A gift of calm in the chaos. An ability to keep the voice low and the gestures small. I determination to behave in a manner that communicates love and yet LOGIC. A demeanor of being in control of myself and setting a pattern of acting with deliberate calm when the situation doesn't suit me.

I hesitate to write it all out for you here, because I don't want to jinx the lucky streak I've been having, and because I don't want to point blame-ful fingers and birth parents nor do I want you to believe that our Molly is anything but wonderful, but it is a real, daily part of my current mothering experience. And now I can see a clear connection between how I react and how Molly chooses to behave the next time a fit is in the Que. She is still throwing them. They are still loud, and difficult and hair raising. Her scream still hurts my ears. But I believe with all my heart that we can make progress, turn the corner-so to speak-and let the angry, sad, frustrated Molly rest while the vibrant happy Graham-loving Molly comes forward in all her peaceful glory.

Here's to fewer fits, both for Molly AND for her mom. And for a daily feeling and rejoicing that we are -all 8 of us-Grahams together.