Feeling Quiet

Yesterday was Fast Sunday. As I went without eating and tried NOT to go without praying I desired help from Heaven for many many things. To Sell our house, to see where to move in the Valley we go to, to be strong for the weeks and months until I'm reunited with a husband who no longer has his hands tied to 80+hours of work each week but who still feels far away as he works in a place that is not where we live....but mostly I've fasted because

I want to repent.

Not that I've stolen something or used too many swear words, (though I've had my share of expletives as of late). Repentance is about wanting to erase those things that stand in the way of feeling God's love and hearing His quiet whisper. He extends His love always, and is ever conversing with us, but we separate ourselves from it through our attitudes, thoughts and actions.

I want to close the gap.

I've complained too much and looked forward without hope too often these last few months. My expectation for a swift lift to a new home where John comes home for dinner and my kids have safe haven to live the standards we've set has not been met. The house still stands here for sale, with few if any prospects for buyers. I still have little if any idea where to place us in the large and growing valley of the Great Salt Lake.

I've been murmuring. And because of that I've moved farther from Heaven and closer to discouraging gloom. Grey instead of blue skies. Fear instead of hope.

and now I feel quiet inside. Not as yet clean, but at least quiet and ready to move closer. As my list of daily to-do's grows by the millisecond I desire to set it all aside and sit in quiet reflection
of the blessings I've seen
the miracles I've watched
the way He's remembered me and mine
in the moves and changes of the past...

maybe I'm getting closer
perhaps it will be soon that the quiet will give way to words of praise and thanksgiving for His answers and for the warmth and light of His ever available love.

With that warmth and truth comes strength, humility and the undeniable ability to endure hardships both real and slightly exaggerated. The feeling of companionship with deity, and the ability to see others as they are seen from a Heavenly perch. I've felt these things, fleetingly, before. And I long to feel them again.

but for now I'll be glad to at least feel quiet.