Upbeat me is finally here

This is "upbeat me". Its been nice to feel her rattling around this week, and I've felt happy to see her in the mirror and pray in gratitude for her attitudes and disposition in morning and evening devotions. Upbeat me can handle change with open minded willingness. She tries to solve problems and help others. She is genuinely interested in self improvement and isn't too hard on herself when set backs occur. She assumes the best of herself and others and tries to shun the worst. She works to take care of herself, and she strives to improve mind body and spirit. She wears fun flip flops and puts on her make up and her bracelets, willing to show the world that the soul in the body has a dimension of creative freedom and a little spunk and fun.

Upbeat me usually emerges after "wallowing me" is banished. "Wallowing me" comes around when change is presented. She stays a good long time, like a bad haircut that just has to grow out in order to get better. With the wallowing there is a bit of self pity, self loathing and self centeredness. Wallowing me stays in bed too late in the morning, sneaks ice cream and brownies when it isn't her free day and goes to bed remembering all the good intentions she had for the day. She wants to serve others, but when it comes right down to it she spends lots of time trying to fix things she can't control and dreaming up scenarios to end whatever emotional, spiritual or physical change is looming. She snaps easily, tears up constantly and looks back at how things were or ought to be instead of seeing the adventures on the horizon.

Banishing wallowing me is nothing short of exorcism. First, realization that she has full control mus be, well, realized. Then once I know I'm not my upbeat self, I have to weigh the pros and cons of forcing myself to change. Then there is the guilt. Guilt for not being grateful enough, strong enough, "upbeat" enough to let myself become wallowing....then the repentance. And sometimes it takes repenting again and again, and the earnest prayers to have the strength to face whatever it was or is that allowed wallowing me to creep in and take hold...And the process of self-forgiving, of allowing the truth that we can't be upbeat always and the quiet fortitude to invite the good back in.

and then, she is banished.

Most often she rears her ugly head again but once the banishment has begun she's usually gone for the duration of the challenge. And upbeat me looks ahead, plans to problem solve, tackles challenges and sifts through what needs to happen and what can be left behind.

Its 8 weeks until the end of school in Texas. Our house is not close to sold. My love and dearest companion works several states away, and it is time we go to him. With hope that God will swoop in and send the perfect family to our home-one who actually likes a rectangular swimming pool and a wall of windows overlooking horse pasture-its time to plan for our exit. And as part of that plan we must be willing to let our "happily ever after" include a leased home rather than a sold home, and a quaint rental in Utah rather than the purchase of the perfect home for the Grahams to make their own one last time.

And upbeat me can handle that. As many new challenges and undesireable prospects as those realities bring, they can be faced and planned for. And in the planning I'll be working out the long term permanence of this determined upbeat me.

Excuse me please, I have some fun flip flops to go put on.