I've tried to craft this post for a very long time. I want the thoughts to be eloquently penned, so that others could see-especially my daughters in their future mothering selves-that all of us come to a place in our parenthood when its time to step forward.
I've written to you all about my blogging friend Stephanie, who is slowly waking from a life altering and mind boggling tragedy. I've been reading Ms. Nie's words of wisdom and taking in her intoxicating views on motherhood for over two years now. I've missed her in her absence. And I have wondered why I'd long to view her in her home with her little ones once again.
Of course, I desire her recovery. I pray for her and her family often and hope for her to return to her needed place at the side of her sweetheart and in the heart of her home. But there is something more selfish that makes me miss the way she writes about her life as a young mother...
It's that I miss that time of life.
Long gone are the days when all my children hang on my apron in the kitchen. Most of them don't leave sticky jam kisses on my cheeks any more. I am no longer the most amazing mom just because I can cut a perfect heart from pink construction paper. I no longer decide for my kids which Disney film they will view, protecting them from undesirable satire and exaggeration in the world of family sitcoms.
My kids are growing, and that means they are choosing more and more for themselves what they see, where they go and what they think. Its scary to send them off into the world I have carefully kept them from. Its time for them to make mistakes, for life to become messy and busy and painful-not just tiring and tedious and labor intensive. The work of keeping a home full of little ones is so different from keeping the home a place where big ones can be safe from the ever encroaching evils of the world. Making it "mom centric" was the task of the past. Making this home a refuge from the storms of life is the task at hand.
And, seriously, the storm is raging.
you've seen how I've muddled through trying to comfort and mother hen my little daughters while juggling the needs of my oldest son. You've seen my comments (SIGH and UGGH) concerning that oldest son's efforts to exert his agency. And this is a good boy. It is stormy and cloudy at best some days, with few clear skies in the forecast as my darling Bryn moves ever closer to her own adolescent tempests.
To longingly look back at days when my children remained under more of my influence is neither healthy nor productive. This time of life was inevitable. Perhaps I thought I would be more ready than I feel. But stepping out of young motherhood and into the years of mothering older children is here, and its time for me to step forward with more resolution and greater personal faith than I have to this point. This scripture has been a resolute personal theme as I look into the future of my family and declare I will be there, in the present, and not longing for times of the past.
With a little hesitation, I'm stepping forward.
6 comments:
Love the post Katie and completely understand. Right there with you. Such an unsettling feeling. Oh how I hope the powers from on high will strengthen us as we continue to care for those entrusted to us.
I think this is the link you intended?: http://scriptures.lds.org/en/2_ne/31/20
Ditto. If anyone out there knows how to freeze time, let me know. I'd like to do it. But, alas, time marches on! Hang on and enjoy!
Katie,
Dad spoke in church on Sunday. In his talk he told stories about some of the children in our family and their interesting choices. And then he told about how awesome they are now, how they are wonderful parents who love their family and the Gospel! But he certainly illustrated how it was rough sailing for a while there! Then he talked about how scripture study helped him through those times.
We all went a little crazy in our teens (some of us worse then others). Mom and Dad were NOT our favorite people. But look at us all now. I think we all say with enthusiasm "Mom and Dad are two of my best friends!"
They survived, and I think you will too. One day you will be sitting around a dinner table with your adult children laughing and enjoying who they have become. And these hard times will be a distant memory! So remember the great times while they were little but instead of longing for it look forward to the awesome future that is to come with your awesome kids!
Love, Jenny
P.S. Remind me of all I just said when I am dealing with my first teen! By then you will probably be dealing with your last.
Katie,
I stumbled upon your blog tonight after finding dear Tricia's. I'm so glad to have found you. You are a gifted writer - something I wish I were. Your family is precious and I can see you are doing a marvelous job being their mom. Hopefully sometime we can catch up soon now that we live on the same continent, and even in the same metroplex. I'd love to hear about your adventures!
If you don't mind, I'll add a link to your blog on mine.
Hi!
I found your great blog when you were on Nie Nie. I love to read it-I have 6 kiddos, also, and can so relate to what you write about. I had to post today because what you wrote about today, has weighed so heavily on my heart latlty--our kids growing up. I have seemed sort of stuck in longing for the past. My baby just turned one. My oldest is 9. Its so hard to accept that things have to change. Anyway, just wanted to thank you for the reminder to move forward with joy, undistracted by focusing on the past. --Thanks
Post a Comment